Monday, 29 February 2016

A Guide To The Identification Of Witches By Their Colour

You can tell the sort of witch you meet
By the colour of their clothes.
And it's so important to get it right 
As everybody knows.

Read this book and it'll be as easy
As falling off a log.
You can't afford to get it wrong.
It's a matter of life or frog.

A witch wearing blue is a water witch
So when she waves her wand
She could summon up a water monster
From a river, lake or pond. 

Wendy: A water witch. She lives in the middle of a stinking swamp and scares off visitors by creating monsters with the spell "Monsterum Aqua Risum".

A green witch will use plants
For her very special powers.
She can put them in a potion
That turns people into flowers.

Willow: She lives in a tumbledown cottage in the woods, and her favourite spell is "Daisy Amazey".

A witch who wears all black
Is very dangerous indeed.
They'll be evil and quite mean to you
No matter how you plead. 

Tabitha: This evil witch likes the classic spells and potions. She loves changing people into frogs. Her favourite food is crunchy deep fried frog.

A brown witch is a poo witch.
If you meet one don't you stop.
If you make her angry
She could turn you into plop.  

Sophie: She likes to annoy people by leaving steaming piles where you least expect it. Hopefully by magic. Favourite spell is "Stopum Dropum Plopum".

A white witch is like a fairy
Who's spells are always nice.
But watch out - a few are nasty 
With spells of snow and ice.

Lian: An ice witch who likes to build ice castles to live in, and singing annoying songs. Lian's favourite spell is "Basic Snowman type B".

A grey witch like this one
Who goes by the name of Gertie
Is just a regular nice white witch 
Who's dress has got all dirty.

Gertie: Sometimes called Dirty Gertie, she likes magicking up surprise tea parties for deserving people. Favourite potion "Lemon Drizzle Cake", although that's more of a recipe than a potion.

Red and orange ones use fire magic
For any spells that they require.
But it does mean that they sometimes
Set their own broomsticks on fire.

 Ameena: She lives in a mostly burnt down house in a burnt down wood. Most used spell "Fe Fi Fo Fum, Get This Fire Off My Bum!".

Yellow witches you don't often see
But generally they're harmless.
You can't really do much wrong using
The power of bananas.

Brenda: Brenda lives on a banana farm and enjoys making her favourite potion, "Banana Potion". It tastes lovely but turns you yellow.

A purple witch is just a black witch
Who wants to wear more glamorous clothes.
But they're still mean and quite dangerous
With blacks cats and pointy nose.

Asha: As mean as the meanest meanie in all of Meanland. She likes fashion, keeping fit, and turning people's hair into snakes.

Ones that wear kind old lady clothes
Are among the trickiest you can face.
Their clothes can be any colour and
And they live most any place.  

????: Nobody knows this witch's name. Everybody who's tried to find out has mysteriously disappeared. Favourite recipes include Harry Cake, Amelia Pie, and Emily On Toast.


A pink witch is the worst of all  
In ways I cannot tell.
They know the foulest kinds of tricks
And all types of nasty spell.  

They'll turn you into monstrous things
With beak or scales or snout.
One zapped your Mum as a child
And look how she turned out!  

Emma: Likes cupcakes, being horrible, and everything pink and frilly. Favourite spell, "The End".


Saturday, 20 February 2016

The 'Mansplaining' Cowboy

A man rode into Mumsnet Town
And all the townsfolk hid.
'Cos going there was a thing
No man ever did.

"Well listen ladies, listen good
And I'm sure I'll get your blessin'
Because I rode here with my manly ways
To teach you all a lesson."

"I've come here to tell you stuff
Like how to drive your cars.
To use a PC, how to vote
And advise you all on bras."

"You need a man to inform you.
A man that's smart and bright.
A man to lead you from the dark
Back out to the light."

All the Women of Mumsnet Town
Thought about this for a while.
Then altogether they turned to him
With a menacing kind of smile.

"Listen 'mate' we don't like you.
You're nothing that we need.
Stop explaining for a while
And take some time to read."

"We're smart and bright and clever.
We already drive and have degrees
And cover every single subject
From particle physics to growing peas."

"You can lecture us repeatedly
On any subject that you can,
But all that goes to show is that
You're a deeply sexist man."

So off went the man with all the knowledge
That he'd thought he'd bring
To do it on another forum
Because he hadn't learned a thing.

H Is For Hippos

Every Hippopotaman 
Needs a hippopotamissus
So they can give each other hippohugs
And hippopotakisses.

Sunday, 14 February 2016

The Story Of Mr Dean Finkle

The is the story of Mr Dean Finkle
Who got into trouble when he needed a tinkle.
He set off for a walk from The Old Cow And Bull
When he suddenly he realised his bladder was full. 
Was he concerned? No he was not.
Even in this popular rambling spot.
What people don't see, people don't mind.
He just needed a tree he could wee right behind.
But he was caught in a new planted spinney
And all of the trees were weedy and skinny.
Were there lots of thick bushes to conceal him round here?
No. The undergrowth was gone, all eaten by deer.
Was a burst kidney to be his ultimate fate?
Where could a man safely urinate?
Lucky for him he found a parked up Land Rover.
He could widdle behind that, his problem was over.
He took out his winkle and relief filled his head.
His pee was mid stream when away the car sped
Leaving him there for the world all to see.
Or in this case The Arch Bishop Of Canterbury.
Plus 12 nuns who also were also out on a hike,
The Lady Mayoress who was riding her bike,
A picnicking family who must have been townies,
A whole camping field of quite surprised brownies,
2 ageing spinsters respectably dressed,
And a well endowed donkey who wasn't impressed.
Mr Dean Finkle now felt rather silly
With all of these people who could now see his willy.
The scene was one that was quite unprecedented
And Mr Dean Finkle was quickly arrested.
You're bound to remember this story no doubt
So make sure that you go before you go out.


Saturday, 13 February 2016

Book: The Problem With Giraffes

My problem began 4 weeks ago
Though I couldn't tell at first.
A few things slightly moved about
No need to fear the worst.

Food missing from the cupboards,
Crumbs upon the floor.
A strange smell here and there.
A late night creaking door.

Then the noises grew much worse,
From creaks, to bangs and thumps.
Something used my toothpaste
And the carpet grew huge lumps.

The garden trees all lost their leaves
Rings left around the baths.
Then at last I realised
My house was infested with giraffes.

As they grew braver I got to see
Them quickly run about.
As I would go into a room
They would all run out.

Things didn't improve as time went on:
They roamed without a care.
I'd try to pass one in the hall
And be met with stubborn stare.

They raided the fridge, all the drawers,
And emptied every tin.
They drank everything in sight
And left me without a thing.

The long necked beasts ran riot.
How many? No one knows.
They even ransacked my wardrobe
And tried on all my clothes.

I tried the simple things at first
Like shooing them away.
I visited my local shop
And bought some giraffe spray.

I squirted so much about 
That the stuff killed off my roses.
The giraffes were not the least bit bothered.
They just put pegs upon their noses.  


I sent for a pest controller
With the name "Giraffe-Be-Gone".
She arrived within the hour
So I thought "Now It won't be long".

She put down traps, and hung up nets.
The service wasn't cheap.
She put poison out, but not to kill them.
Just to send them off to sleep.  

She put down pools of sticky glue
To catch them by their feet.
And in the middle of it all
A lovely tasty treat.

But clever giraffes can find a way
And this trap was not too tricky.
Just reach out with an enormous neck
And you won't get yourself all sticky.  

She used a rope to lasso some
And caught others with her bare hands.
She tricked them into boxes
And sent them to far off lands.

Some were caught in the garden
Where she had dug a giraffe pit.
Many were sucked up by a Vacuum
Until the bag then split. 

She fetched her secret weapon:
A great big blue machine. 
It rushed between every room
Until no trace of them was seen.

It's grabbing arms had triumphed.
It had scooped up every one.
But this was not the end of things.
The fight was far from done.

The Great machine was bulging full
When a crafty foot poked out
And flicked the thing into reverse
"Oh no!" I had to shout.

So many spotty pests about.
Was it a hundred? 2 hundred? More?!
I thought Giraffe-Be-Gone would do it
But then I wasn't sure.   

She continued very bravely
But it was a battle without an end.
For every one that she threw out
Returned and brought a friend. 

Giraffe-Be-Gone then gave up.
She was beaten fair and square.
I hear she moved and set up shop
Cutting people's hair.

The war was going badly
And I didn't look like winning.
The Giraffes just stood about the place
And stared at me while grinning.

So I called an end to things.
Packed up poison, traps and nets.
And now I live quite happily
With an awful lot of pets.