Wednesday, 7 December 2016

Death By Chocolate

I have chocolate for my breakfast
Instead of having toast.
I have a bar on Sunday
Rather than having roast.
I eat chocolate every day.
I eat the stuff for lunch.
I suck it rather slowly
As I've got no teeth to crunch.
For dinner I have chocolate
As a soup or stew.
I once weighed only 13 stone
But now I'm 32.
I eat chocolate between my meals
As a tasty little snack.
Maltesers or maybe Milky May,
The jumbo family pack.
What I'd like to try,
If it does no harm
Is to melt some down then inject it
Straight into my arm.
I'd like to find another fan
That I could make my wife
But the doctor told me that next week
will be the last week of my life.

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

The Mysterious Pie

People's heads turn to stare as it goes walking by,
For they never have seen such a mysterious pie.
Where did it come from? Nobody knows.
And nobody can wait 'til it finally goes.
It's quite cold to the touch compared with some pies,
because it has to stay outdoors because of it's size.
It's skin is all greasy and I think that it's pork,
Although it won't ever tell you because meat pies cannot talk.
It's not that it's evil or does anything wrong
That the locals all hoped it will go before long.
It hangs round the chip shop next to the park,
And sometimes the river just as it gets dark.
It lurks by the football pitches to watch, never play,
And visits the library every other Thursday.
It once helped a lady locked out of her house
And calmed down a horse startled by a mouse.
It gives children rides on it's crust just for fun
And acts as a marshal for the local fun-run.
It helped Mrs McCourt sort out her tax form,
And rebuilt the school knocked down by a storm.
But as long as it's around it will always be feared
Because the Mysterious Pie is just creepy and weird.
So the townsfolk trapped it with the help of Police
And tethered it tightly to give them some peace.
The rope used is long so the pie can wander around
And it shows no concern about being bound.
The Pie seems to understand that it must wear it's new leash
Because it too saw the terror of The Mysterious Quiche!

Monday, 26 September 2016

Ode To Rachel Riley

Ode To Rachel Riley

Thou art dead lovely Rachel Riley
Because your face is always smiley
Even more than the Minogue: Kylie
I'm sure you don't live in Filey
But if you did I'd rate it highly
You're very clever, smart and wiley
You wear nice clothes in a sexy stylee
I'm sure your bottom isn't piley
I really love you Rachel Riley

Thursday, 1 September 2016

Purple Crow

Why was Purple Crow feeling sad
On such a lovely day?

Because all his friends were busy
And there was no one left to play.

Where were all Crow's friends?
None were on the swings or slide.

Nobody in the park or woods,
But Crow found them all inside.

Some were in the library,
Others reading in their home.

Some were reading in a great big group,
The rest were reading on their own.

You know all pigeons love to read,
As do ducks and geese and rooks.

But Purple Crow was different.
He hated reading books.

He used to try to read them
Like all the other birds,

But none were about the things he liked
And he couldn't read the words.

Purple Crow told his troubles
To a kindly passing swan.

She said “you can use the pictures
To tell what is going on”.

Or get a grown up to read to you
and tell you what is being said”.

Then the pictures will remind you
of the story in your head”.

Swan then explained that not all books
Have a story anyway.

Some just show you pictures
Of places far away.

Some are books of diggers,
Or plants or dinosaurs.

There are some with dancing fairies
Or sharks with snapping jaws.

From that day forth Crow would read
About all kinds of different things.

From monsters who are scared of mice
To Cheshire cats and magic rings.

Cats in hats, hungry bugs,
A princess now in pants.

A dog that's always finding stuff,
And patchwork elephants.

Purple Crow now reads a lot
And thinks a book's a special friend.

He loves them from the front cover
Right until...

The End.

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

Alice And The Pink Head Teacher

The book is set in an average kind of nursery. The main characters are all 4 years old so are in the room for children aged 3-5 years old. There are staff who are sometimes seen: They are stressed out wrecks with wild hair and dizzy eyes that have seen many many terrible things.

Page 1

Alice was playing busily in Happy Bunnies Nursery when her friends Greg and Chuck rushed up to her.

Alice is tinkering with an extremely complicated machine.

It's terrible! It's a disaster!” Said Chuck. Chuck said that about most things.

Or it might all be fine!” Suggested Greg.

Page 2

Have you heard the news?” asked Chuck. “Next week We're getting a new Manager to run the nursery!”

The old one wasn't well.” Added Greg. “Lots of little pains in the neck apparently.”

Alice looked annoyed.

How come none of the grown ups have told us about it yet?” She said. “Just like that lot.”

Page 3

And we've just got the teachers trained” Said Alice.

We see the staff behind Alice. 3 staff huddled together in the corner of the room, clutching mugs of coffee and looking stressed out.

Page 4

I've heard she's got some funny ideas” Said Chuck.

Princess used to go to her old place.” Said Greg. “Said it was too weird for her.”

Hmm...” Replied Alice. “I suppose we'll just have to wait until Monday and see if we want to keep her.”

We see the 3 children talking and Princess in the background. Princess is a girl in the frilliest pink princess outfit, with heeled play shoes and tiara.

Pages 5&6

A double page spread of the new look nursery. Captioned: Monday. The room is divided into 2 halves: A pink half for girls and a non-pink half for boys, with the toys on their stereotypical sides and pink or non-pink whenever possible. The children are in the foreground looking at their new Head Teacher.

Mrs Marigold Monkey-Fright Looks very stern and old fashioned. She wears rather large glasses and gives the appearance of somebody who once smiled, but didn't like it much so sees no point in doing it again.

The new Head Teacher spoke loudly: “My name is Mrs Marigold Monkey-Fright. From now on the girls will play with proper girls toys made for little ladies. Girls things must be pink, and ideally fluffy with bows and pictures of fairies or princesses on. Boys can play with everything else.”

Any child playing on the wrong side of the room will be punished! You children have to know your place!!!!”

Page 7

Alice wanders through the pink half of the room looking at the equipment.

Alice looked around the girls side of the room and didn't like what she saw.

A pink chair I can understand, but a pink house with pink walls and roof and doors?”

A pink elephant?!”

There's even a pink globe with pink sea! That's ridiculous!”

Page 8

Alice stands on the edge of the pink area and looks at the boy's toys. Tiny, a small girl is crying.

Then Alice looked at the boy's side of the room and started getting angry.

Girls get pink with maybe a bit of purple and white, while the boys get blue, green, red, yellow, brown, black, orange... They've even got elephants that are elephant coloured!”

And she took Mr Wubbles away because I touched something blue!” Said Tiny, crying.

Page 9

Alice, Greg and chuck meet at the join of the 2 sides. Alice is red with anger.

I'm not having this.” said Alice turning red, meaning she was technically on the wrong side of the room.

Agreed” Said Greg. “The new Head Teacher will have to go.”

But why did she think it was a good idea?” Asked Alice.

You could try asking the Wise One. He's on the climbing frame.” Suggested Chuck.

Good idea.” Said Alice, and off she went.

Page 10

Alice is going to see the Wise One in the garden when she meets Princess. Behind them we can see the climbing frame with the Wise One just visible at the top.

Hello Princess.” Said Alice as they met in the garden, which was still unchanged by the new Head Teacher. “You must be pretty happy now everything's turned pink.”

Not really.” Said Princess. “I wear pink because I like pink. I don't want to be made to have just pink stuff. I was going to be a Princess tyrannosaurs today and everybody knows that Princess tyrannosauruses are green.”

Princess thought for a second and added “Maybe I should sneak into the boy's bit and wear the tyrannosaurus outfit so I can eat Mrs Monkey-Fright?”

I'm going to see the Wise One about her.” Said Alice. “Maybe keep that idea as Plan B.”

Pages 11 & 12.

Alice has just climbed up the climbing frame to see the Wise One. The climbing frame has become slightly mountain-like with wisps of cloud passing underneath them both. The wise one sits cross-legged and looks serene as he answers Alice's question.

After many hours of hard climbing, Alice reached the top of the Wise One's mountain.

Have you heard what's going on?” She asked.

Yes. I hear everything.” Replied the Wise One.

So why” asked Alice, “Does Mrs Monkey-Fright think all girls should only have pink stuff?”

Grown ups are fascinating things.” Began the Wise One. “They can drive cars, work computers, build rockets, get things out of high cupboards, but there's one thing you need to remember about grown ups.”

What?!” Asked Alice.

No matter how clever and sensible they are normally, they can still sometime behave like complete twits!” Said the Wise One. “Pink is just a colour, and toys are just toys. Anybody can play with anything.”

Hmmm...” Said Alice. “I think we should have a meeting. Usual place.”

Page 13

Lots of the children gather for the secret meeting in the play house, though it looks a bit like an board room. There is Chuck, Alice, Greg, Princess, the Wise One, Puddles, and a few others. There are plans and diagrams all around.

So she has to go.” said Alice. “That's been decided. The suggestions so far are: Scare her away, get her eaten by dinosaurs, or my plan.”

Your plan!” Agreed everyone.

We'll need a distraction to let me get into the office. ” Said Alice.

Leave that to me.” Volunteered Puddles.

Page 14

Most Head Teachers like to sleep in their office all day, between tea breaks, and Mrs Marigold Monkey-Fright was no exception. When she was spotted through the office window the plan was put into action.

Alice tiptoed past the guards as Puddles did her thing.

Puddles makes a puddle under herself. The 3 members of staff crowd round her as Alice sneaks past their backs. We can see the door of the office area behind them all.

Page 15

In the hallway outside the office there were boxes of children's things that were confiscated after their owners had been caught breaking the rules. Mr Wubbles the bear, Quack the duck, Lumpy the...whatever Lumpy was, a box of blankets, and a whole pile of dummies.

Page 16

Alice was as quiet as a mouse in slippers when she crept up to the sleeping Head Teacher, who had taken off her glasses while she slept.

The plan was put into action...

Alice reaches out towards the sleeping teacher's glasses.

Page 17

A little later on all the children were playing in the nursery room, waiting for the fun to begin.

I think eaten by dinosaurs would have been better.” Said Princess. “And they're endangered now so they need all the teachers they can eat.”

Page 18

Mrs Monkey-Fright's glasses are coated in see-through green paint.

Mrs Marigold Monkey-Fright came rushing out of her office.

Everything's gone green! I can only see green!!!!” She screamed. “Green furniture, green children, green toys! Aaaaaarghhh!!!!”

Tiny held on to Mr Wubbles tightly and smiled.

Page 19 & 20

A double page spread of the nursery room as seen through Mrs Monkey-Fright's glasses.

Green, GREEN, GREEN!” Shouted the head teacher. “If I can't see whether things are pink or not how will I be able tell what things boys and girls can use?! There'll be girls playing with brown things! BROWN! And boys with PINK toys!

She then screamed at the top of her voice and ran around panicking for ages until she tired herself out.

Page 21

Alice takes Mrs Monkey-Fright by the hand.

Never mind Mrs Monkey-Fright” Said Alice calmly. “Does it really matter if boys and girls play with whatever colour they want?”

But how will they know if they're a boy or a girl?” Said the Head Teacher meekly.

Alice smiled and told her “They'll know themselves. And when everybody is able to play with anything that they want to, it doesn't really matter if they're boys or girls! Now go have a cup of tea and everything will be alright.

Page 22

Captioned “Next Week.” The nursery has bee changed back to normal. Greg, Chuck, Princess and Alice are talking and playing. Princess has another pink princess dress on, but also a monster mask and tiara.

I'm glad everything is back to normal.” Said Greg.

And that new Head Teacher Mrs Bumslide seems nice enough.” Said Chuck.

Muph-gmuff-bram-buff?” Asked Princess Monster.

Mrs Monkey-Fright? She's settled in nicely as one of our regular teachers.” Alice replied, “Grown ups are useful...”

Pages 23 & 24

...they just have to know their place.”

We see the 3 staff once again huddled shambolically at the side of the room. Mrs Monkey-Fright has joined them looking as stressed out as them and tightly hugging a teddy bear that looks a bit like Mr Wubbles.

Thursday, 28 July 2016

Rory O'Grady

This is the yucky and unpleasant story
Of a small and slimy child called Rory.
Rory O'Grady used to drive his Mum potty
Because he was just so incredibly snotty.

The stuff constantly dripped out the holes in his head
From first thing in the morning until time for his bed.
And it didn't stop then, it was all night-time too.
So he woke up each morning covered in goo.

He smothered his bedroom, he covered the hall.
With snot on the ceiling and all up the wall.
He plastered the living room with his green nasal jelly.
The sofa, the book shelves the cat and the telly.

Rory never minded his slimy green trail.
It helped him glide round like a little boy-snail.
And when dried out a little I'm sure that you know
You can squeeze it in shapes like a kind of play-dough.

Mum thought it would be good to get him out their home.
So he went to a nursery but he played on his own.
He couldn't make friends with the girls or the boys.
Nobody wanted him to slime on their toys.

So home Rory stayed and he played round the house.
Well behaved, kind and gentle, quiet as a mouse.
But his family couldn't cope with his nose that kept dripping.
They were fed up with the slime on which they kept slipping.

Mum baked some cakes that looked like a dream
Then Rory iced them with his special green cream.
please go away Rory! You've ruined the lot.
I'm really fed up with you and your snot!”

Dad was in his study typing on his computer.
Rory tried to see but sneezed a load out his hooter.
Just go away Rory! Before I lose the plot
I'm tired of you ruining things with all your horrid snot!”

His Sister was in her room doing art with lots of stickers.
Then Rory leant across her and drenched her to her knickers.
Buzz off Rory! Or I'll tie you in a knot.
I'm sick and tired of you and your stupid snot!”

His Brother was outside kicking his new football.
He slipped in a Rory trail causing him to fall.
Get out of here now Rory! You nasty yuck faced clot.
Everybody's really sick of you and your disgusting snot!”

Later that day Rory's family looked around.
They searched the whole house but he wasn't found.
For hours and hours they all went hunting on
Until they were really sure their baby boy had gone.

We love him and miss him” his family sadly cried.
That's what they said out loud at least, but what they knew inside
Was that they had been mean to him and really not very nice.
And now to have him back with them they would pay any price.

Grandfather arrived to see grandson Rory.
The family quickly told him the whole terrible story.
Rory's Granddad, like most, was no silly old fogey.
He knew that to find him you just follow the bogey.

They followed the greenie without waiting to wait
As the slippery trail led them all out the gate.
All of the family, Father and Mother,
Granddad and sister and Rory's big Brother.

The went through the park past fountain and rose
Following the product of their Son's runny nose.
We'll find him quite soon without any doubt”
Said Rory's poor Mother and then she called out:

Come back Rory O'Grady, we miss you a lot!
We're willing to put up with all of your snot!”

The family walked quickly past all the shops
Hot on the trail of Rory's sticky nose drops.
They ignored all the sellers and pushed through the crowd
While Rory's Dad shouted out loud:

Come back Rory O'Grady, we miss you a lot!
We're ready to overlook all of your snot!”

They walked down the river and right round the lake
Following Rory's snotty nose-snake.
We'll carry on” Said his Sister, “In sun, snow or cloud”
Then she took a deep breath and shouted out loud:

Come back Rory O'Grady, we miss you a lot!
We still want you! You AND your snot!”

Through a supermarket they went, past fruit and a freezer
Along what had come out of their Rory's sneezer.
How long would they search for? Nobody could tell.
Then Rory's Brother let out a huge yell:

Come back Rory O'Grady, we miss you a lot!
We all really love you! Especially your snot!

They found him asleep in a green sticky puddle.
They picked him right up and said with a cuddle.
We know it's not your fault that you drive us dotty
By being quite so incredibly snotty.”

They took him straight home and from that day to this
Were never put off from a hug and a kiss.
They coped with the snot with love and with laughter
So Rory O'Grady lived happily ever after.

Thursday, 30 June 2016


If you get stuck upon an island
And you're without a boat,
Why not try to inflate a friend
To see if they will float?
Although your friend may burst and sink
As they've not been properly tested.
And you might find when you get home
That you'll quickly get arrested.

Saturday, 28 May 2016


Top half that's human 
with the rest like a horse 
Will lead to all sorts of
Problems of course.

Do you eat human food
Or do you eat hay?
Or stand out in a field
Eating grass up all day?

Do you wear clothes
On top half or bottom? 
And can you put on trousers
When you have got 'em?

You won't fit in lifts
on bikes or in cars.
And will be asked "Why the long face?"
When you try to go in bars.


Monday, 28 March 2016

The Squirrel

A squirrel's tail is really hairy,
And they wave them about like the wand of a fairy.
As they've got fur they're slightly beary,
But they're really friendly and not at all scary.

A good name for a squirrel would be Mary.
They have houses in trees and not the prairie,
But they're quite small so please be wary
If you're human sized like Katy Perry. 

Inside their homes it's bright and airy. 
With subtle lighting that isn't glarey.
Full of tabley tables and chairs all chairy.
From squirrel to squirrel the colour schemes vary.

Monday, 29 February 2016

A Guide To The Identification Of Witches By Their Colour

You can tell the sort of witch you meet
By the colour of their clothes.
And it's so important to get it right 
As everybody knows.

Read this book and it'll be as easy
As falling off a log.
You can't afford to get it wrong.
It's a matter of life or frog.

A witch wearing blue is a water witch
So when she waves her wand
She could summon up a water monster
From a river, lake or pond. 

Wendy: A water witch. She lives in the middle of a stinking swamp and scares off visitors by creating monsters with the spell "Monsterum Aqua Risum".

A green witch will use plants
For her very special powers.
She can put them in a potion
That turns people into flowers.

Willow: She lives in a tumbledown cottage in the woods, and her favourite spell is "Daisy Amazey".

A witch who wears all black
Is very dangerous indeed.
They'll be evil and quite mean to you
No matter how you plead. 

Tabitha: This evil witch likes the classic spells and potions. She loves changing people into frogs. Her favourite food is crunchy deep fried frog.

A brown witch is a poo witch.
If you meet one don't you stop.
If you make her angry
She could turn you into plop.  

Sophie: She likes to annoy people by leaving steaming piles where you least expect it. Hopefully by magic. Favourite spell is "Stopum Dropum Plopum".

A white witch is like a fairy
Who's spells are always nice.
But watch out - a few are nasty 
With spells of snow and ice.

Lian: An ice witch who likes to build ice castles to live in, and singing annoying songs. Lian's favourite spell is "Basic Snowman type B".

A grey witch like this one
Who goes by the name of Gertie
Is just a regular nice white witch 
Who's dress has got all dirty.

Gertie: Sometimes called Dirty Gertie, she likes magicking up surprise tea parties for deserving people. Favourite potion "Lemon Drizzle Cake", although that's more of a recipe than a potion.

Red and orange ones use fire magic
For any spells that they require.
But it does mean that they sometimes
Set their own broomsticks on fire.

 Ameena: She lives in a mostly burnt down house in a burnt down wood. Most used spell "Fe Fi Fo Fum, Get This Fire Off My Bum!".

Yellow witches you don't often see
But generally they're harmless.
You can't really do much wrong using
The power of bananas.

Brenda: Brenda lives on a banana farm and enjoys making her favourite potion, "Banana Potion". It tastes lovely but turns you yellow.

A purple witch is just a black witch
Who wants to wear more glamorous clothes.
But they're still mean and quite dangerous
With blacks cats and pointy nose.

Asha: As mean as the meanest meanie in all of Meanland. She likes fashion, keeping fit, and turning people's hair into snakes.

Ones that wear kind old lady clothes
Are among the trickiest you can face.
Their clothes can be any colour and
And they live most any place.  

????: Nobody knows this witch's name. Everybody who's tried to find out has mysteriously disappeared. Favourite recipes include Harry Cake, Amelia Pie, and Emily On Toast.


A pink witch is the worst of all  
In ways I cannot tell.
They know the foulest kinds of tricks
And all types of nasty spell.  

They'll turn you into monstrous things
With beak or scales or snout.
One zapped your Mum as a child
And look how she turned out!  

Emma: Likes cupcakes, being horrible, and everything pink and frilly. Favourite spell, "The End".