Sunday, 31 January 2016

D Is For Dogs

There are lots of words that sound like dog.
Like Hog, and bog, and jog, and cog.
There's frog, and log, and fog, and clog, 
Which means it's quite surprising that I couldn't make this rhyme.

Saturday, 30 January 2016

Miss Evadne Pringle

Poor old Miss Evadne Pringle
Never Married, nor engaged, died quite single.
Always did what was prim and proper,
So couldn't have a man who might try and stop her.
Dressed head to toe in respectable tweed,
Glasses on a chain that she used to read.
Hair in a bun that was done most tightly,
A wash and a rinse by hairdresser fortnightly.
Her house was a shrine to taste and decorum
Especially the immaculate parlour/front room.
Antimacassars for hair too oily.
Never housed a battenburg that wasn't on a doily.
No strong smells to affront your nose,
Except a hint of lavender or rose.
Metal on display highly polished not rusted,
China trinkets wearing out from being over dusted.
She had a few hobbies like baking and reading,
and pottered round the garden when it needed weeding.
A pillar of the community and WI,
Always could be relied on for some jam or pie.
Helped run the church events for several vicars.
Never cursed or swore or even said knickers.
Her rose flanked cottage was often called quaint
and she herself was thought of as a saint.
Innocent, virginal, virtuous, pure,
But something happened that made people unsure.
Because when she died they found her one lewd habit:
She'd buzzed herself to death with a Rampant Rabbit.

Friday, 29 January 2016

C Is For Crickets

Crickets are little hopping bugs
And cricket is a game.
To save all the confusion
One should change it's name.

If I went to a cricket match
It just won't do at all
To get there and have to watch
Some insects play football.

Saturday, 16 January 2016

C Is For Caterpillers

They eat all day to increase in size
Then turn into butterflies.
It's not a life that I would choose;
It would take to long to tie your shoes.

Thursday, 14 January 2016

B Is For Badgers

Badgers are short and very hairy.
They're black and they're white and not very scary. 
They're got great big paws that look rather beary.
They could bite if they want so you need to stay wary. 
If I had one as a pet I would call her Mary.
I don't want to get turned into one by a fairy.

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

The Really Bad Mouse - Gruffalo Parody (Contains masses of bad language)

A mouse strolled again through the deep dark wood.
The fox remembered the mouse as he knew that he would.
He wouldn't fall for the next mousey trick.
He was going to enjoy eating the great squeaky prick.

"Well well" said the fox. "I can't believe my luck."
"Oh shit" said the mouse. "Oh God! Holy fuck!"
"I'm going to eat you" the fox said "With cheese and some pickles",
But the mouse ran underneath him and bit his tes-ticles.

The mouse ran on fast but bumped into the snake.
"Boy!" said the snake, "Have you made a mistake!"
"I'm going to swallow you whole, each last little bit
The next time you see daylight will be when I shit"

"So come closer" said snake, "My friend, my old mucker"
"YOU'VE made a mistake!" said mouse "Take this mother fucker!"
With those words he took snake by surprise
And jabbed a sharp stick straight into his eyes.

On ran the mouse who was pleased with his stunt,
When down flew that annoying feathery cunt.
"It's me" said owl. "Oh fuck off" the mouse said
And nutted the owl right in the head.

The mouse punched the owl quickly and with loud angry squeak
Said "I'm going to fucking rip off that daft beak.
I'll pluck you and kick you and when you're down on the deck,
I'll rip off you head and then shit down your neck!"

The mouse walked on down the path and shook the blood from his nose,
And dreamt what he'd do to those two gruffalos.

B Is For Bears

Is a bear
Called a bear
Because it's bare?
(Except for hair)

A Is For Anaconda

The 18 foot long anaconda
Is a snake that likes to wander
Over here and over yonder
Sliding on its belly.

If it were to ever meet you,
I'm afraid it is a snake who
Really can swallow and eat you
And inside it's very smelly.

A Is For Aardvark

We need to start with aardvarks:
A type of African anteater.
I know ants wanted to be first
But sorry ants they beat ya.

Tuesday, 12 January 2016

The Blue Maned Spotted Spanish Tree Giraffe

The Blue Maned Spotted Spanish Tree Giraffe
Is shorter than it might sound.
It is so short that in that fact
It lives in tunnels underground.

The tree bit of its name is wrong,
I'll tell you the reason why. 
Their feet will never leave the ground:
They're scared of being high.

And it's not what you'd call spotty.
All the ones I've seen
Have an even colour all over them,
Usually a mossy kind of green. 

And you won't find one in Spain you know,
Your Mum will tell you if you ask her.
They live on an Island far away,
Just left of Madagascar.

Another thing about the animal,
And this'll really make you laugh.
It's actually a type of frog
Not an elegant giraffe.

And as you might have guessed by now
It doesn't have a mane.
The one thing it does have though
Is a really silly name.

Sunday, 10 January 2016

Werewolf In Laddered Tights

The saddest of all the sights
Is a werewolf in laddered tights.
Coming home at half past one
From a night of dancing fun
To find her tights have run
From her drunken late night fights.

Her make up's all been smeared
Just as poor old wolfie feared.
One heel is broken too.
What can a were-girl do
When you're a sexy glam-wolf who
Just ends up looking wered?


The creature known as The Kelper
Is a full time Christmas Santa helper
Not the type to make the toys
For all the lucky girls and boys
Her job is on the lowest rung
She sweeps up all the reindeer dung
She picks the lice off all the deers
Scrapes the wax out of their ears
And the bathrooms that the elves all use?
She's the one who cleans the loos

A funny looking little blob
She really, really  hates her job
So she avoids all the Christmas cheer
And hides whenever Santa's near

Saturday, 9 January 2016

Politicians Love Underpants - Aliens Love Underpants Parody

Politicians love underpants
Of every shape and size.
They often catch on fire
From their wearers constant lies.

They sometimes wear them on their own
Or if they think it's cute
Team them up with orange bras
From a hired prostitute.

They'll claim them on expenses
To wear under their trousers.
And buy some for their ducks
To wear in their duck houses.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage
Wears a skimpy lacy thong.
He once tried on French knickers
But says they just felt wrong.

The Prime Minister is often briefed
But they're very seldom seen.
Except for every Tuesday
When he shows them to The Queen.

Wear your Labour pants with pride.
Show them off with bow and twirl.
Keep Your red pants flying here!
(Or pink if you're a girl).

Eric Pickles wears ladies' undies
When he feels really naughty.
And in case you've ever wondered
He's dress size two hundred and forty.

Scottish pants on their MP
Have to travel quite a distance, see?
Over land and over sea
From their parliamentary constituency.

Cyril Smith had lots of pants.
His love for them was great.
Unfortunately the labels said
"For children 6 to 8".

But now is not the time
For a mad pants buying spree.
We must wear the white until they're grey
In this pants austerity.

Yes, politicians love underpants 
That really is quite true.
And unlike all the politicians
I'd never lie to you.

The Honeydragon

The Honeydragon's a fearsome beast
Its nose points west when its legs walk east
Its skin is a purple shade of brown
It runs up debts all over town

The 3 terrible horns upon its head
Fills the bravest cow with dread
Its eyes are the most shocking pink
It's breath isn't fiery but sure does stink

12 people this year have been eaten
The dragon's tough scales just can't be beaten
Swords and lances have all been tried
It said they'd work, but of course it lied

Its evil rampage just keeps on growing
Will it end? There's just no knowing
It's smashed up grocers and department stores
And caused more damage than several wars

It crushes buildings with jumps and hops
Except for Waitrose where it shops
It throws cars around with it's tail
"Help us! Help us!" people wail

It really is a so and so
But how to stop it? I think I know
You see the Honeydragon is a one and only
It's got no others. It's just so lonely

The way to make the havoc end
Is to be nice and be it's friend
Don't take your sword and try to poke it
Cuddle it, kiss it, pat it, stroke it

Buy it biscuits and give it cake
And any puddings you can bake
If you were to treat it in my way
It'll be a harmless pet by late Friday