Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Baby Bear Limerick

There was once a small baby bear
Who discovered somebody had broken his chair
After a walk nice and shady
He found the young lady
And ate every last bit but her hair.

Monday, 31 July 2017

Little Red Riding Hood Limerick

A small girl who wore a red hood
Took a short cut through the Wolf's wood
She tasted so yummy
Inside of his tummy
He wish her Granny had tasted as good

Thursday, 27 April 2017

Ode To The Salad Bar At Morrisons.

Oh salad bar at Morrisons how I love thee!
How I long to explore every inch of your stainless steel body.
Your hygienic silver body containing many containers of yummy foodstuffs.
Not much like an actual body, but let's go with it.
My empty stomach aches for your interesting selection of pasta salads:
The tomatoey one, the other tomatoey one, the one that tasted fishy that hopefully contained fish.
Rice salad, cous cous and quinoa for a plastic bowlful of exotic multi-multiculturalism.
The taste of your croutony lettuce fills me with joy, and croutons and lettuce, obviously.
Hard boiled eggs! Where else on the high street can you buy individual hard boiled eggs for fucks sake!!!
How I dream of ripping off your sneeze guard and making mad passionate love to you in a flurry of grated cheese and crunchy onion bits.
But I can't. It's not Asda.
I'll never have that moment so I'll imagine the next best thing. Rachael Riley with breasts like your falafels.

Thursday, 16 March 2017

Very Rude Harry Styles Limericks

Harry from the band One Direction
Had the most massive unwanted erection
He tried to hit it and slap it
But in the end had to strap it
To his leg to avoid it's detection

The singer named Harry Styles
Had the most terrible case of the piles

Once, during a tune
He pulled his pants down to moon
And you could see them from miles and miles

Harry Styles once had a green cock
So decided to go see the Doc
And said "as you can see
I have a bad STD
'Cause instead of condoms I use an old sock"

A girl fan fucked Harry Styles up the bum
With a strap-on but he kept looking glum.
He just wouldn't groan
And instead had a moan
"At least I can feel when my Louis has come!" 

Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Basingstoke Limerick.

A foolish man from Basingstoke
Bought a camel for a joke.
He'd bounced on each hump,
With a jumpty jump,
Until the day the poor old camel broke.

Thatcham Limerick.

Some strange eggs were found once in Thatcham.
A man there decided to hatch 'em.
Out came 58 crocs,
10 lions and a fox.
It took police hours to catch 'em.

Reading Limerick

A daft friend of mine born in Reading
Wanted a hundred white doves at her wedding.
They flew and they shat
On this and on that,
Which is exactly what we were all dreading.

Thursday, 26 January 2017

Slough Limerick

There was a young man from Slough
Who decided to marry a cow.
Daisy and Chris,
Are living in bliss,
So I'm thinking of marrying one now.

M Is For Moose

One thing you must never do
Is to confuse a moose with mousse.
Imagine if you were in a zoo
And one of them got loose.
If it was a huge horned beast
Then it might be rather scary.
Much more so than an escaped dessert,
in Banana, chocolate or strawberry.

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Lenny The Ski Lion

Lenny was a fearsome lion.
There were none as fierce as he.
And Lenny had a life long dream
Which was to learn to ski.
The thought of whooshing down the snow
Filled every waking second.
He would be a great world champion
If he tried it, so he reckoned.

Now the animals around him
Thought the idea to be a winner.
They'd rather help him learn to ski
Than end up as his dinner.
They gathered round and called him over
On the plain so hot and sunny,
And got him a taxi, and plane ticket
They'd bought with all their money.

Lenny the lion jumped for joy
And did his special happy dance,
Then Boarded the first plane he could
That flew to Southern France.
He soon arrived, found his hotel
And clothes quite warm yet cool,
Some splendid skis made just for lions
And enrolled in the ski school.

His class was full of children
Having their first feel of snow.
Which made the mighty jungle king
Afraid to have a go.
But a little girl came up to him
Swamped in massive coat and hat,
She said “please will you hold my hand
Mr great big pussy cat?”

Lenny was shy and nervous
And had quite lost his voice,
But took the girl's hand in his.
He felt he had no choice.
Slowly they set off down the hill
With many falls along the way.
They learnt to turn and how to stop
And agreed to meet next day.

On that day they were better.
The following better still.
The fourth day they left the school
In search of a bigger thrill.
They squeezed inside a ski lift
With more people than they could count in.
And off they went with their skis
To the top of Danger Mountain.

They relaxed a while at the peak.
Drinking hot chocolate in the shop.
Then went to the top of the slope
Where Lenny had to stop.
I can't do it!” Lenny cried,
The hill is just too steep!”
Then he collapsed upon the floor
And the king began to weep.

Lenny and his little friend
Went down by cable car.
And were spotted by another cat
Who came from Africa.
Miguel, that was his name.
A world famous downhill skier.
His technique was nearly perfect,
He was fast and showed no fear.

King of the jungle?” Laughed Miguel.
but now everyone will know,
You're really just a big cry baby
Afraid of a bit of snow!
Why not watch me tomorrow
If you dare to show your face?
At the top of Danger Mountain.
I'll winning the big race!”

Lenny was there next day
In the air so cold and thin.
But not to watch his spotty rival,
Just to try his best to win.
Don't be silly!” Mocked Miguel.
You haven't got a chance!”
I'll beat you.” Lenny calmly said,
Then I'll do my happy dance.”

The field set off down the course,
Lenny first, Miguel behind.
He was spurred on by the thought
Of his words so cruel and so unkind.
He carved each turn so beautifully
The crowds just had to cheer,
But he couldn't lose his rival
Who stayed close to Lenny's rear.

Miguel thought that he would lose
So with his ski pole gave a clout
To the back of Lenny's legs
Causing our hero to wipeout.
He slid to the side of the piste
Where watching was his friend.
Never give up!” she cried, “Carry on!
Keep trying to the end!”

Up jumped Lenny and off he sped
At a quite breathtaking pace.
Determined to chase and beat that cat
That had stolen his first place.
He crouched down low, tightly tucked
And glided like he was flying.
He caught up Miguel but couldn't pass
Though he was really trying.

The mean cat swerved and pushed Lenny wide
Who shot into a bank of ice.
Miguel laughed and shouted back
Some really bad advice.
You're just a loser you big soft lion
With your silly mane of hair!
You'll never be a winner
If you're always playing fair!”

Lenny carried on the race
And saw Miguel lift up the cup.
He was sad and he was beaten.
No one could cheer him up.
As Miguel stood on the winner's step
Lenny saw what the crowd were doing.
They all threw snowballs at Miguel
Shouted “Cheat!” and started booing.

An organiser took back the trophy
Which caught Lenny by surprise.
You're the rightful winner!” He said,
This cup is now your prize!”
Lenny saw his little friend
And rushed to hug and greet her.
She told Lenny that he had won
Because Miguel was a big old...


Tuesday, 24 January 2017

K Is For Kangaroo

Kangaroos jump about.
Jump jump jump jump jump.
Up they go then down they come.
Bump bump bump bump bump.
But what's the point in going up
Only to have to land?
Why not just go walk about
Or stay in place and stand?

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

I Is For Iguana

I wanna iguana.
I want one really bad.
If I had an iguana
It would be the best pet that I had.

Iguanas are really cool.
They have them in a zoo.
They keep them there in cages
But that's not what I'd do.

I would keep it in my bedroom
And let it live under my bed,
With a little bowl of water
And lots of jam and bread.

I'd give it stokes and cuddles
And be very very kind,
And take it into school with me.
The teacher will not mind.

I would take it for long walks
And for rides out on my bike.
I would feed it lots of treats
Of the kind it really likes

Jack's pet is just a puppy.
I need a better pet than his,
So I wanna iguana
But I wonder what one is?

Sunday, 8 January 2017

H Is For Horse

Horses are made from different bits.
That it needs to use when it runs or sits.
At the end of it's leg you'll find a hoof.
Go take a look if you want proof. 
It's got hair on it's neck called a mane.
To stop it looking quite so plain.
It has a tail you'll find on one end,
And knees in it's legs to help it bend.
It has a stomach and heart inside no doubt
And skin wrapped round so they don't fall out.
It's got a long face and mouth with teeth.
And various private things beneath.
So with all those parts and food inside
You can just hop on and take a ride.

Saturday, 7 January 2017

Jen, Erik, and Doug

Page 1

Jenny the mouse is walking along looking bored.

I feel bored.” Said Jenny.

Page 2

Jenny is looking under leaves on a bush.

I feel lucky.”

Page 3

She finds a berry.

I feel happy!”

Page 4

She pulls and pulls.

I feel strong!”

Page 5

Jenny manages to pull the berry off. It flies off and she takes a tumble.


Page 6

She is exhausted but happy and sitting near the berry. We see a tortoise come into view.

I feel exhausted.” Said Jenny. “And I feel proud.”

Page 7

The tortoise treads on the berry.


Page 8

Jenny is sad.

Oops!” Said Doug. “I feel guilty.”

Page 9

Doug hugs Jenny.

I feel sad.” Said Jenny.

I feel sad as well.” Said Doug.

Page 10

A snake slithers into view.

I feel curious.” Said Erik.

Page 11

We're both feeling sad.” Said Doug to Erik.

Page 12

I feel hungry.” Said Erik.

Page 13

Doug hides in his shell.

I feel safe.” Said Doug.

Page 14

Jenny tries to get in Doug's shell.

I feel Jealous.” Said Jenny.

Page 15

Erik gets closer.

I feel scared!” Said Jenny.

Page 16

Erik starts to open his mouth.

I feel...”

Page 17

Erik swallows Jenny.

...full!” Said Erik.

Page 18

Doug comes out of his shell. There is a lump in Erik's middle.

I feel angry.” Said Doug.

Page 19

I feel embarrassed.” Said Erik.

Page 20
I'm feeling... for a handle.” Said Jenny.

Page 21

We feel confused.” Said Erik and Doug.

Page 22.

Jenny opens a door in the middle of Erik and steps out.

I feel relieved.” Said Jenny.

Page 23

I feel very sorry.” Said Erik.

Page 24

Doug and Jenny hug Erik.

I feel...forgiving” Said Jenny.

The End.