The biggest Jellyfish

The biggest jellyfish in the world
Danced and jumped and skipped and twirled.
Other fish came to see the sight
Of the jellyfish dancing day and night.
Manatees, seahorses, narwhals too,
The audience just grew and grew and grew
Until everything suddenly went dark
In the shadow of a massive great white shark.
They all went quiet and then they shock
At the sharks terrifyingly hungry look.
But then Jellyfish took him by the fin
And they both began to dance and spin.
Soon the shark was far less snappy
And all the fish were feeling happy
As everybody danced and danced some more
Until fins, flippers and tentacles were sore.

Baby Bear Limerick

There was once a small baby bear
Who discovered somebody had broken his chair
After a walk nice and shady
He found the young lady
And ate every last bit but her hair.

Little Red Riding Hood Limerick

A small girl who wore a red hood
Took a short cut through the Wolf's wood
She tasted so yummy
Inside of his tummy
He wish her Granny had tasted as good
 

Weird Luke The Cowboy

Weird Luke was a cowboy

But a special kind of one.

He wore a cowboy hat and boots

But never used a gun.

He slept beneath the stars

And helped the cows when they got stuck,

But it wasn't from a horse's back

'Cause Luke would ride his duck.

Sure, the duck was small

And Luke got laughed at by the farmers,

But the duck was brave and loyal

With the strength of 20 llamas.

He rode his duck to town one day.

A town called Deadman's Creek.

He had to get his haircut

And his shopping for the week.

He hitched his duck to a post

By one of the saloons,

Pushed through the flappy wooden doors

And saw the bright balloons.

There were balloons of every colour:

Purple, yellow, green and red.

Luke wondered what was happening

Until the Barman said:

“It's Evil Jake's birthday

And things will get unpleasant

If he comes in and finds you here

And you've not brought a present!”

Just as the Barman stopped talking

The doors went flappity flap

And standing there right next to Luke

Was a nasty looking chap.

Short and round with shaggy hair

And great big bushy beard.

“My name is Evil Jake” he said,

“And I hate you 'cause you're weird!”

“Now today it is my birthday,

A day when I have fun.

A day for lots of presents

So have you brought me one?”

“No I didn't” Luke replied.

“I didn't know it was today.

I just came for a trim and food.

I'll just be on my way.”

Luke went outside to get his duck

And found a waiting crowd.

But his path was quickly blocked by Jake

Who shouted mean and loud.

“If you try and come back to town

Then you'll be out of luck.

Get out! Stay out! Don't come back!

You and your stupid duck!”

The crowd all gasped as they saw

The look upon Luke's face.

“Nobody says that 'bout my duck,

I challenge you to a race!”

“OK” Said Jake. “Let's start now.

We got no time for practices.

Over the bridge and along the gorge

Then back through the field of cactuses.”

Jake jumped upon his horse

A huge brown and angry steed.

It reared up and snorted loudly

Then shot off at super speed.

Luke did not chase after,

Confusing the townsfolk

Instead he climbed upon his duck,

Turned to them, and spoke:

“I know people call me weird
But folk of Deadman's Creek,
You really mean I'm special,
One of a kind, or quite unique!”

“You're weird but nice” a local said.

“Though your mount is beaked and teeny,

Every one in town is supporting you

To beat that mean old meanie!”

Luke then shook the reins he held

And duck quacked loud and frightening.

Then off he shot, the feathered beast,

Fast as a streak of lightning.

Jake was first to cross the bridge

On the edge of town.

Then he lit a stick of dynamite

And blew it to the ground.

When Luke got there the bridge was gone

But he knew just what to do.

He held on tight to his duck's neck

And across the brave bird flew.

After Jake went through the gorge

He blew the dam in two.

Water spilled to flood the route

So no one could now get through.

Luke arrived and found the way

Blocked by a great new lake,

But his duck jumped in and swam across

And began to catch up Jake.

Jake had to slow at the cactus field

In case his clothes got caught,

But Luke went underneath their spines

Because his duck was nice and short.

Luke and duck got back to town

To win and claim first place.

Jake slunk off to his hideout

With a great big sulky face.

The townsfolk stood amazed

And then everybody cheered.

“Hooray!” they cried, “Hooray for Luke!

Hooray for being weird!”

Ode To The Salad Bar At Morrisons.

Oh salad bar at Morrisons how I love thee!
How I long to explore every inch of your stainless steel body.
Your hygienic silver body containing many containers of yummy foodstuffs.
Not much like an actual body, but let's go with it.
My empty stomach aches for your interesting selection of pasta salads:
The tomatoey one, the other tomatoey one, the one that tasted fishy that hopefully contained fish.
Rice salad, cous cous and quinoa for a plastic bowlful of exotic multi-multiculturalism.
The taste of your croutony lettuce fills me with joy, and croutons and lettuce, obviously.
Hard boiled eggs! Where else on the high street can you buy individual hard boiled eggs for fucks sake!!!
How I dream of ripping off your sneeze guard and making mad passionate love to you in a flurry of grated cheese and crunchy onion bits.
But I can't. It's not Asda.
I'll never have that moment so I'll imagine the next best thing. Rachael Riley with breasts like your falafels.

Mixed Fairy Tale

Page 1

“This is no good!” Said Daddy Bear. “This porridge is far too hot.”

“Let's go for a walk in the woods while it cools down.” Suggested Mummy Bear.

“Yay!” Said Baby Bear.

So off they went.

Page 2

The Bears met a girl wearing a red riding hood.

“Don't talk to any wolves!” Said Mummy Bear.

“Yeah, wolves.” Said Little Red Riding Hood, but she was on her phone and not really listening.

Page 3

The Bears passed a little man made from gingerbread.

“You can't eat me!” shouted the Gingerbread Man and off he ran.

“Did I want to eat him dear?” Daddy Bear asked Mummy Bear.

“No. Ginger makes your fur go fluffy” Said Mummy Bear.

The gingerbread man is the standard design, with 2 raisins for eyes.

Page 4

The Bears met two men riding two white horses.

“Are you Princes?” Asked Daddy Bear.

“Not just any Princes.” Said the first Prince.

“We're handsome Princes.” said the second Prince gazing at the first.

“Hmmm.” Said Daddy Bear. “Our porridge must be OK by now.”

Page 5

The Gingerbread man sees Goldilocks coming.

“I'll hide in here from everyone who's trying to eat me!” Said the Gingerbread man climbing through the window of the Bears' house.

Page 6

Goldilocks also climbed in through the window.

“Oh no!” Thought the Gingerbread Man. And he jumped into the small bowl of porridge, which was luckily not too hot and not too cold.

Page 7

“Well,” said Goldilocks to herself, “The first 2 bowls weren't very nice but the last bowl was just right. If a bit gingery.”

“And I don't know why they put 2 raisins in.” She added. “They are yuk.” So she spat them out onto the table.

Page 8

After the porridge, Goldilocks broke some furniture and went upstairs for a nap.

The smallest bed was the most comfortable so she slept there, even if it was so small that her hair dangled out the window.

Page 9

Back in the woods Little Red Riding Hood met a wolf.

“Where are you going little girl?” Asked the wolf.

“I'm taking a basket of delicious food to my Grandma who lives in a cottage just up here, I think.” Said Little Red Riding Hood, and off she skipped.

Page 10

“Grandma!” Called Little Red Riding Hood as she entered the bears' house. “I think this is the place. Maybe she's in bed.”

“Mmm, raisins” She said popping them into her mouth before going upstairs.

Page 11

Little Red Riding Hood crept into the bedroom and saw the smallest bed was full.

“Grandma's sleeping. I may as well have a little nap too” She said.

She tried the middle sized bed, but before long sat up and complained “There's a lump right in the middle!”

Page 12

Little Red Riding hood reached under the mattress and pulled out a small green thing.

“A Pea!” She exclaimed.

Suddenly, Goldilocks woke up screaming “My hair!” as she felt it being tugged really hard.

Page 13

The 2 Princes appear at the bedroom window.

“I've come to save you!” Said the first Prince still holding tresses of Goldilocks' hair. “Then Marry you!”

“And you found my pea so you must be a real Princess!” Said the second Prince. “So you're going to marry me!”

“WHAT!” Said Little Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks together.

Page 14

“What kind of loony thinks hiding peas is a good way to find a wife!?” Little Red Riding Hood asked Prince Two.

“I wanted somebody who doesn't like vegetables.” Replied the Prince.

“And why not come in the door!?” Goldilocks asked Prince One while rubbing her head.

“I just really like climbing up hair.” He said.

“Go away you weird Princes!” Said the two girls together.

Page 15

As the two Princes climbed back down from the window, Little Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks heard a noise from downstairs.

They picked up a tennis racket and a poker from the fireplace, then hid behind the door.

Page 16

The Wolf entered the Bears' house.

“I smell a basket of food around here somewhere.” Said the wolf. “And I think there's gingerbread in it.”

He began to climb the stairs.

Page 17

The wolf sees the smallest bed and mistook the blankets for a person.

“I've come to eat you, sweet old delicious Grandma!” He said licking his lips.

As he moved closer to the bed, Little Red Riding hood and Goldilocks sneaked up behind him and...

Page 18

POW!!!

Little Red Riding hood and Goldilocks both whack the wolf with their weapons.

Page 19

The wolf landed on the smallest bed.

Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood heard angry noises from downstairs and decided it would be best to leave by the window.

Page 20

“Who's been eating my porridge?” Said Daddy Bear.

“We can always make more porridge.” Said Mummy Bear. “But look at Baby's chair!”

“Wah!!” Cried Baby Bear.

Page 21

The Bears heard a noise coming from upstairs.

They went to have a chat with whoever is up there.

The bears are snarling angry.

Page 22

“Oh Grandma, what big ears you have.” Said Mummy Bear to the now waking wolf.

“All the better to hear you with?” Said the wolf nervously.

“Big nose!” Said Baby Bear.

“All the better to smell you with?” Squeaked the wolf.

Page 23

“And what big teeth WE have.” Growled Daddy Bear.

“All the better to smile with?” Suggested the wolf desperately.

Page 24

Later that day the bears had dinner with some of the friends they had made.

3 bears standing behind the food laden table with Little Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks one side, and the 2 Handsome Princes together on the other. At front of the table is a big cooking pot. It has a wolf's tail and 2 ears sticking out.

The End

Very Rude Harry Styles Limericks

Harry from the band One Direction
Had the most massive unwanted erection
He tried to hit it and slap it
But in the end had to strap it
To his leg to avoid it's detection



The singer named Harry Styles
Had the most terrible case of the piles
Once, during a tune
He pulled his pants down to moon
And you could see them from miles and miles



Harry Styles once had a green cock
So decided to go see the Doc
And said "as you can see
I have a bad STD
'Cause instead of condoms I use an old sock"



A girl fan fucked Harry Styles up the bum
With a strap-on but he kept looking glum.
He just wouldn't groan
And instead had a moan
"At least I can feel when my Louis has come!"