Ode To The Salad Bar At Morrisons.

Oh salad bar at Morrisons how I love thee!
How I long to explore every inch of your stainless steel body.
Your hygienic silver body containing many containers of yummy foodstuffs.
Not much like an actual body, but let's go with it.
My empty stomach aches for your interesting selection of pasta salads:
The tomatoey one, the other tomatoey one, the one that tasted fishy that hopefully contained fish.
Rice salad, cous cous and quinoa for a plastic bowlful of exotic multi-multiculturalism.
The taste of your croutony lettuce fills me with joy, and croutons and lettuce, obviously.
Hard boiled eggs! Where else on the high street can you buy individual hard boiled eggs for fucks sake!!!
How I dream of ripping off your sneeze guard and making mad passionate love to you in a flurry of grated cheese and crunchy onion bits.
But I can't. It's not Asda.
I'll never have that moment so I'll imagine the next best thing. Rachael Riley with breasts like your falafels.

Mixed Fairy Tale

Page 1

“This is no good!” Said Daddy Bear. “This porridge is far too hot.”

“Let's go for a walk in the woods while it cools down.” Suggested Mummy Bear.

“Yay!” Said Baby Bear.

So off they went.

Page 2

The Bears met a girl wearing a red riding hood.

“Don't talk to any wolves!” Said Mummy Bear.

“Yeah, wolves.” Said Little Red Riding Hood, but she was on her phone and not really listening.

Page 3

The Bears passed a little man made from gingerbread.

“You can't eat me!” shouted the Gingerbread Man and off he ran.

“Did I want to eat him dear?” Daddy Bear asked Mummy Bear.

“No. Ginger makes your fur go fluffy” Said Mummy Bear.

The gingerbread man is the standard design, with 2 raisins for eyes.

Page 4

The Bears met two men riding two white horses.

“Are you Princes?” Asked Daddy Bear.

“Not just any Princes.” Said the first Prince.

“We're handsome Princes.” said the second Prince gazing at the first.

“Hmmm.” Said Daddy Bear. “Our porridge must be OK by now.”

Page 5

The Gingerbread man sees Goldilocks coming.

“I'll hide in here from everyone who's trying to eat me!” Said the Gingerbread man climbing through the window of the Bears' house.

Page 6

Goldilocks also climbed in through the window.

“Oh no!” Thought the Gingerbread Man. And he jumped into the small bowl of porridge, which was luckily not too hot and not too cold.

Page 7

“Well,” said Goldilocks to herself, “The first 2 bowls weren't very nice but the last bowl was just right. If a bit gingery.”

“And I don't know why they put 2 raisins in.” She added. “They are yuk.” So she spat them out onto the table.

Page 8

After the porridge, Goldilocks broke some furniture and went upstairs for a nap.

The smallest bed was the most comfortable so she slept there, even if it was so small that her hair dangled out the window.

Page 9

Back in the woods Little Red Riding Hood met a wolf.

“Where are you going little girl?” Asked the wolf.

“I'm taking a basket of delicious food to my Grandma who lives in a cottage just up here, I think.” Said Little Red Riding Hood, and off she skipped.

Page 10

“Grandma!” Called Little Red Riding Hood as she entered the bears' house. “I think this is the place. Maybe she's in bed.”

“Mmm, raisins” She said popping them into her mouth before going upstairs.

Page 11

Little Red Riding Hood crept into the bedroom and saw the smallest bed was full.

“Grandma's sleeping. I may as well have a little nap too” She said.

She tried the middle sized bed, but before long sat up and complained “There's a lump right in the middle!”

Page 12

Little Red Riding hood reached under the mattress and pulled out a small green thing.

“A Pea!” She exclaimed.

Suddenly, Goldilocks woke up screaming “My hair!” as she felt it being tugged really hard.

Page 13

The 2 Princes appear at the bedroom window.

“I've come to save you!” Said the first Prince still holding tresses of Goldilocks' hair. “Then Marry you!”

“And you found my pea so you must be a real Princess!” Said the second Prince. “So you're going to marry me!”

“WHAT!” Said Little Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks together.

Page 14

“What kind of loony thinks hiding peas is a good way to find a wife!?” Little Red Riding Hood asked Prince Two.

“I wanted somebody who doesn't like vegetables.” Replied the Prince.

“And why not come in the door!?” Goldilocks asked Prince One while rubbing her head.

“I just really like climbing up hair.” He said.

“Go away you weird Princes!” Said the two girls together.

Page 15

As the two Princes climbed back down from the window, Little Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks heard a noise from downstairs.

They picked up a tennis racket and a poker from the fireplace, then hid behind the door.

Page 16

The Wolf entered the Bears' house.

“I smell a basket of food around here somewhere.” Said the wolf. “And I think there's gingerbread in it.”

He began to climb the stairs.

Page 17

The wolf sees the smallest bed and mistook the blankets for a person.

“I've come to eat you, sweet old delicious Grandma!” He said licking his lips.

As he moved closer to the bed, Little Red Riding hood and Goldilocks sneaked up behind him and...

Page 18

POW!!!

Little Red Riding hood and Goldilocks both whack the wolf with their weapons.

Page 19

The wolf landed on the smallest bed.

Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood heard angry noises from downstairs and decided it would be best to leave by the window.

Page 20

“Who's been eating my porridge?” Said Daddy Bear.

“We can always make more porridge.” Said Mummy Bear. “But look at Baby's chair!”

“Wah!!” Cried Baby Bear.

Page 21

The Bears heard a noise coming from upstairs.

They went to have a chat with whoever is up there.

The bears are snarling angry.

Page 22

“Oh Grandma, what big ears you have.” Said Mummy Bear to the now waking wolf.

“All the better to hear you with?” Said the wolf nervously.

“Big nose!” Said Baby Bear.

“All the better to smell you with?” Squeaked the wolf.

Page 23

“And what big teeth WE have.” Growled Daddy Bear.

“All the better to smile with?” Suggested the wolf desperately.

Page 24

Later that day the bears had dinner with some of the friends they had made.

3 bears standing behind the food laden table with Little Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks one side, and the 2 Handsome Princes together on the other. At front of the table is a big cooking pot. It has a wolf's tail and 2 ears sticking out.

The End

Very Rude Harry Styles Limericks

Harry from the band One Direction
Had the most massive unwanted erection
He tried to hit it and slap it
But in the end had to strap it
To his leg to avoid it's detection



The singer named Harry Styles
Had the most terrible case of the piles
Once, during a tune
He pulled his pants down to moon
And you could see them from miles and miles



Harry Styles once had a green cock
So decided to go see the Doc
And said "as you can see
I have a bad STD
'Cause instead of condoms I use an old sock"



A girl fan fucked Harry Styles up the bum
With a strap-on but he kept looking glum.
He just wouldn't groan
And instead had a moan
"At least I can feel when my Louis has come!" 

Basingstoke Limerick.

A foolish man from Basingstoke

Bought a camel for a joke.

He'd bounced on each hump,

With a jumpty jump,

Until the day the poor camel broke.

Thatcham Limerick.

Some strange eggs were found once in Thatcham.

A man there decided to hatch 'em.

Out came 58 crocs,

10 lions and a fox.

It took police hours to catch 'em.

Reading Limerick

A daft friend of mine born in Reading

Wanted a hundred white doves at her wedding.

They flew and they shat

On this and on that,

Which is exactly what we were all dreading.

Slough Limerick

There was a young man from Slough

Who decided to marry a cow.

Daisy and Chris,

Are living in bliss,

So I'm thinking of marrying one now.