Marooned

If you get stuck upon an island
And you're without a boat,
Why not try to inflate a friend
To see if they will float?
Although your friend may burst and sink
As they've not been properly tested.
And you might find when you get home
That you'll quickly get arrested.

Centaurs

Top half that's human 
with the rest like a horse 
Will lead to all sorts of
Problems of course.

Do you eat human food
Or do you eat hay?
Or stand out in a field
Eating grass up all day?

Do you wear clothes
On top half or bottom? 
And can you put on trousers
When you have got 'em?

You won't fit in lifts
on bikes or in cars.
And will be asked "Why the long face?"
When you try to go in bars.



 

The Squirrel

A squirrel's tail is really hairy,
And they wave them about like the wand of a fairy.
As they've got fur they're slightly beary,
But they're really friendly and not at all scary.

A good name for a squirrel would be Mary.
They have houses in trees and not the prairie,
But they're quite small so please be wary
If you're human sized like Katy Perry. 

Inside their homes it's bright and airy. 
With subtle lighting that isn't glarey.
Full of tabley tables and chairs all chairy.
From squirrel to squirrel the colour schemes vary.

A Guide To The Identification Of Witches By Their Colour

You can tell the sort of witch you meet
By the colour of their clothes.
And it's so important to get it right 
As everybody knows.

Read this book and it'll be as easy
As falling off a log.
You can't afford to get it wrong.
It's a matter of life or frog.



A witch wearing blue is a water witch
So when she waves her wand
She could summon up a water monster
From a river, lake or pond. 

Wendy: A water witch. She lives in the middle of a stinking swamp and scares off visitors by creating monsters with the spell "Monsterum Aqua Risum".



A green witch will use plants
For her very special powers.
She can put them in a potion
That turns people into flowers.

Willow: She lives in a tumbledown cottage in the woods, and her favourite spell is "Daisy Amazey".



A witch who wears all black
Is very dangerous indeed.
They'll be evil and quite mean to you
No matter how you plead. 

Tabitha: This evil witch likes the classic spells and potions. She loves changing people into frogs. Her favourite food is crunchy deep fried frog.

 
 
A brown witch is a poo witch.
If you meet one don't you stop.
If you make her angry
She could turn you into plop.  

Sophie: She likes to annoy people by leaving steaming piles where you least expect it. Hopefully by magic. Favourite spell is "Stopum Dropum Plopum".



A white witch is like a fairy
Who's spells are always nice.
But watch out - a few are nasty 
With spells of snow and ice.

Lian: An ice witch who likes to build ice castles to live in, and singing annoying songs. Lian's favourite spell is "Basic Snowman type B".



A grey witch like this one
Who goes by the name of Gertie
Is just a regular nice white witch 
Who's dress has got all dirty.

Gertie: Sometimes called Dirty Gertie, she likes magicking up surprise tea parties for deserving people. Favourite potion "Lemon Drizzle Cake", although that's more of a recipe than a potion.



Red and orange ones use fire magic
For any spells that they require.
But it does mean that they sometimes
Set their own broomsticks on fire.

 Ameena: She lives in a mostly burnt down house in a burnt down wood. Most used spell "Fe Fi Fo Fum, Get This Fire Off My Bum!".



Yellow witches you don't often see
But generally they're harmless.
You can't really do much wrong using
The power of bananas.

Brenda: Brenda lives on a banana farm and enjoys making her favourite potion, "Banana Potion". It tastes lovely but turns you yellow.



A purple witch is just a black witch
Who wants to wear more glamorous clothes.
But they're still mean and quite dangerous
With blacks cats and pointy nose.

Asha: As mean as the meanest meanie in all of Meanland. She likes fashion, keeping fit, and turning people's hair into snakes.



Ones that wear kind old lady clothes
Are among the trickiest you can face.
Their clothes can be any colour and
And they live most any place.  

????: Nobody knows this witch's name. Everybody who's tried to find out has mysteriously disappeared. Favourite recipes include Harry Cake, Amelia Pie, and Emily On Toast.

 

A pink witch is the worst of all  
In ways I cannot tell.
They know the foulest kinds of tricks
And all types of nasty spell.  

They'll turn you into monstrous things
With beak or scales or snout.
One zapped your Mum as a child
And look how she turned out!  

Emma: Likes cupcakes, being horrible, and everything pink and frilly. Favourite spell, "The End".
   

 

The 'Mansplaining' Cowboy

A man rode into Mumsnet Town
And all the townsfolk hid.
'Cos going there was a thing
No man ever did.

"Well listen ladies, listen good
And I'm sure I'll get your blessin'
Because I rode here with my manly ways
To teach you all a lesson."

"I've come here to tell you stuff
Like how to drive your cars.
To use a PC, how to vote
And advise you all on bras."

"You need a man to inform you.
A man that's smart and bright.
A man to lead you from the dark
Back out to the light."

All the Women of Mumsnet Town
Thought about this for a while.
Then altogether they turned to him
With a menacing kind of smile.

"Listen 'mate' we don't like you.
You're nothing that we need.
Stop explaining for a while
And take some time to read."

"We're smart and bright and clever.
We already drive and have degrees
And cover every single subject
From particle physics to growing peas."

"You can lecture us repeatedly
On any subject that you can,
But all that goes to show is that
You're a deeply sexist man."

So off went the man with all the knowledge
That he'd thought he'd bring
To do it on another forum
Because he hadn't learned a thing.

H Is For Hippos

Every Hippopotaman 
Needs a hippopotamissus
So they can give each other hippohugs
And hippopotakisses.

The Story Of Mr Dean Finkle

The is the story of Mr Dean Finkle
Who got into trouble when he needed a tinkle.
He set off for a walk from The Old Cow And Bull
When he suddenly he realised his bladder was full. 
Was he concerned? No he was not.
Even in this popular rambling spot.
What people don't see, people don't mind.
He just needed a tree he could wee right behind.
But he was caught in a new planted spinney
And all of the trees were weedy and skinny.
Were there lots of thick bushes to conceal him round here?
No. The undergrowth was gone, all eaten by deer.
Was a burst kidney to be his ultimate fate?
Where could a man safely urinate?
Lucky for him he found a parked up Land Rover.
He could widdle behind that, his problem was over.
He took out his winkle and relief filled his head.
His pee was mid stream when away the car sped
Leaving him there for the world all to see.
Or in this case The Arch Bishop Of Canterbury.
Plus 12 nuns who also were also out on a hike,
The Lady Mayoress who was riding her bike,
A picnicking family who must have been townies,
A whole camping field of quite surprised brownies,
2 ageing spinsters respectably dressed,
And a well endowed donkey who wasn't impressed.
Mr Dean Finkle now felt rather silly
With all of these people who could now see his willy.
The scene was one that was quite unprecedented
And Mr Dean Finkle was quickly arrested.
You're bound to remember this story no doubt
So make sure that you go before you go out.