Book: The Problem With Giraffes

My problem began 4 weeks ago
Though I couldn't tell at first.
A few things slightly moved about
No need to fear the worst.

Food missing from the cupboards,
Crumbs upon the floor.
A strange smell here and there.
A late night creaking door.



Then the noises grew much worse,
From creaks, to bangs and thumps.
Something used my toothpaste
And the carpet grew huge lumps.

The garden trees all lost their leaves
Rings left around the baths.
Then at last I realised
My house was infested with giraffes.



As they grew braver I got to see
Them quickly run about.
As I would go into a room
They would all run out.

Things didn't improve as time went on:
They roamed without a care.
I'd try to pass one in the hall
And be met with stubborn stare.



They raided the fridge, all the drawers,
And emptied every tin.
They drank everything in sight
And left me without a thing.

The long necked beasts ran riot.
How many? No one knows.
They even ransacked my wardrobe
And tried on all my clothes.



I tried the simple things at first
Like shooing them away.
I visited my local shop
And bought some giraffe spray.

I squirted so much about 
That the stuff killed off my roses.
The giraffes were not the least bit bothered.
They just put pegs upon their noses.  

 

I sent for a pest controller
With the name "Giraffe-Be-Gone".
She arrived within the hour
So I thought "Now It won't be long".

She put down traps, and hung up nets.
The service wasn't cheap.
She put poison out, but not to kill them.
Just to send them off to sleep.  



She put down pools of sticky glue
To catch them by their feet.
And in the middle of it all
A lovely tasty treat.

But clever giraffes can find a way
And this trap was not too tricky.
Just reach out with an enormous neck
And you won't get yourself all sticky.  



She used a rope to lasso some
And caught others with her bare hands.
She tricked them into boxes
And sent them to far off lands.

Some were caught in the garden
Where she had dug a giraffe pit.
Many were sucked up by a Vacuum
Until the bag then split. 



She fetched her secret weapon:
A great big blue machine. 
It rushed between every room
Until no trace of them was seen.

It's grabbing arms had triumphed.
It had scooped up every one.
But this was not the end of things.
The fight was far from done.



The Great machine was bulging full
When a crafty foot poked out
And flicked the thing into reverse
"Oh no!" I had to shout.

So many spotty pests about.
Was it a hundred? 2 hundred? More?!
I thought Giraffe-Be-Gone would do it
But then I wasn't sure.   
   
  

She continued very bravely
But it was a battle without an end.
For every one that she threw out
Returned and brought a friend. 

Giraffe-Be-Gone then gave up.
She was beaten fair and square.
I hear she moved and set up shop
Cutting people's hair.



The war was going badly
And I didn't look like winning.
The Giraffes just stood about the place
And stared at me while grinning.

So I called an end to things.
Packed up poison, traps and nets.
And now I live quite happily
With an awful lot of pets.





 

  

 
   

O Is For Ostriches

There are very long necks on ostriches
So you'll always see where your ostrich is.

Mongooses And Geeses

Say you have 2 mongooses
And one of them gets loose.
I'm afraid to say what you are left with
Is only one mongoose. 

If you have a single goose
Living in nice goosey peace,
And you buy another one
You now have 2 geese.

If then You get a tiger
And put all your pets with that.
Of course what you'll end up with
Is a great fat stripy cat.

Workplace Valentine

You might have realised
That today is Valentine's day
So I'm sending you this card
In a non-harassing way.

I'm not getting you flowers delivered,
Or decorating your car.
I won't serenade you at the office
So please don't involve HR.

I won't give you naughty undies
With a back like dental floss,
Or anything to do with chests.
There's no need to tell the boss.

All I want to do is inform you
In a thoroughly professional way,
That you and I should maybe date
Or I'll tell everyone you're gay.

Bad Poetry

I'm going to write a poem.
This is the second line.
I don't feel it's going very well
But I'm sure it'll end up fine. 

This is the second stanza:
A verse, or paragraph.
Now I just need to find a rhyme,
Something, something, big giraffe.

Oh boy! That's blown it!
Still, you really have to laugh.
You simply cannot end a verse
With a phrase like big giraffe.

I've done it again! What a twit.
It really isn't cool.
I must google how to write these things
Or go to poet's school.

Another verse now. Let's make it good.
The best that I can write.
If I really really really try
I'm sure to get it right.

Oh dear. The word I used
At the end to that line two. 
Sounded the same as line four.
I hate that, how 'bout you?

Just one good verse and I'll be happy.
One bit that doesn't go wrong.
One good stanza for me to end it,
But this last line has ended by up being far too long.

I'm going to end this poem now.
I've messed up the whole thing totally.
I've got to try and accept the fact
That I can only write bad poetry.

E Is For Earwigs

Ears aren't normally hairy
So why do they need a wig?
They're also fairly tiny
So the wigs can't be that big.

Or do you mean the insect?
They live outside upon the floor,
But that's kind of all I know.
Sorry I can't help more.

A Book Of Increasingly Inaccurate Facts About Cows

Cows are big farm animals
That come in brown, or black and white.
They do cow stuff in the daytime
And like to sleep at night.

To make milk they need some food.
Their favourite type is grass.
The farmer milks them and puts it all
In bottles made of glass.


Some cows live in cold places
Like the mountain Yaks.
Bigger than our types of cows
With long hair upon their backs.  

In America there's Bison
And elsewhere Buffalo.
They're different from each other
But how I just don't know.  


They don't say much but when they do
They have to talk in moos.
Be careful round the back of them
They do the most enormous poos.

Some have bells and some have horns
That make the most tremendous noise.
I think the girl cows wear the bells
And the horns are for the boys.


The farmer rounds them up for milking
And although they think it's fun.
They take it slowly as their milk will spoil
If the cows all start to run.

Some farmers bounce their cows about
On purpose, not mistake.
And feed them strawberries and other fruit
So they produce milkshake.


Some farmers tickle theirs on the nose
To bring out all their sneezes.
Which is of course how they make
A variety of cheeses.

Cows are also full of meat
On which you might like feeding.
I won't tell you how they get it out
In case any cows are reading. 


Cows all like to sleep at night
In their tunnels underground.
Only coming out at dawn
To eat cakes and dance around. 

They eat their grass and their cakes
But LOVE blueberry pie.
It gives them the energy that they need 
When they want to fly.



Cows play all kinds of sports
And don't mind if they lose.
Some prefer to sing and dance
And do ballet in tutus.

Young cows, or calves, all go to school
To learn about cow things. 
Like famous cows in history
Cow Queens and their cow Kings.  
  

All cows like to sleep in trees
In the most enormous nests,
But only after they've brushed their teeth
And taken off their vests. 

Sometimes you see an empty field,
But don't be fooled: It's full.
It's holding lots of see through cows
And the odd invisibull.    


They have all kinds of exciting jobs
I'll name you more than three:
Policecows, Firecows, Farmer cows,
Or... cow pirates out at sea.  

They wear cow hats, cow boots,
Cow jumpers and cow shirts.
And in hot summers cooler things,
Like a floaty floral skirt. 

   
Cows all live in snowy castles
Topped with frozen towers.
Built by them using ice
And their special secret powers.

When they meet crooks or super villains
"Help! Cows!" The baddies wail.
The cows then use their super strength 
To throw them all in jail.  


Space cows boldly go
From one planet to another.
Wearing coloured space suits
Knitted by their Mother.

They quickly go off zooming
In space ships quite diverse.
Here and there, near and far
Across the universe.


Back down to Earth they come
When they've finished their exploring.
Although I admit, I've made some things up
Because cows are really boring.

Really they just stand about
And do a bit of chewing,
Lay down, stand up, and turn around,
And sometimes they start mooing.